i dont think ive ever been so confused for sucha long time.

this is probably worse than the friends but not really friends part. wait i lied thats how it is exactly.
its really complicated and i cant seem to take my mind off of it. i dont wanna confront him about it because we're supposedly on "break" im waiting for these next 3 weeks to pass by and hopefully we can start all over. afterall that is what he said will happen. idk i just miss him so much. i wanna talk to him/hug him/kiss him. yep yep i just really miss him. i feel like i havent seen him for over 2 weeks and lately we havent been talking much. agh im frustrated. i didnt think i'd feel this pain again. but its here again. i didnt think i'd be able to love again but here it goes again. sigh.

"we never get to pick who we fall in love with. it doesnt always happen the way you want it to happen."

what's worse than being lonely?

the stage where you and a guy have somewhat established and have already confronted your feelings towards each other. but for some weird ass reason there are always obstacles in the way. sometimes you dont even know understand whats going on and why its there. after 2 years of unhappiness, i finally found someone who can finally make me happy. maybe i am overreacting but i think i deserve to be happy. i deserve to have an explanation as to why this is happening. i wanna know why hes acting the way he is and why hes hot and cold. WHY. i basically poured out my feelings for him and im just so frustrated. it shouldnt even be like this considering that i mean WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER. okay maybe i am overreacting just a little. but my point is, why am i so hurt right now? i havent felt this happy/sad for sucha long time. its a big giant roller coaster that shouldnt even exist right now. idk how else to express myself. i have butterflies right now cuz im scared to death. scared for him to tell me that he doesnt want this. scared to know that he doesnt feel the same way. scared to know why hes acting the way he is. IM SCARED.

first post for 2011.

its almost summer again. ive been walking through my memory lane for quite some time now. this summer is going to be different. i dont talk to half the people i talked to last summer and when im home it feels like nothing has changed. although deep down i know that everything has changed, i cant help but feel like everything is going to go back to how it use to be. as much as i wish to be able to relive those memories i know it would hurt a lot more than do me good.

last summer was amazing. i dont think words can really describe how much fun it was and how many people i met and grew close to. it still trips me out how fast time is going. i remember vividly judy and i sitting outside her house on the curb 11 o clock at night and talking about our problems. mainly boys of course. thats how we grew close. i also remember how excited we were to move in together in college and how much fun its going to be to be away from our parents. meeting new people, boys specifically. and now? first year of college is already coming to it's end in about 3 months. i think its crazy how things just kinda flew by and i still wonder where did all the time go. i cant help but feel scared. im scared to know whats going to happen in the future. im scared to grew up and have a million more responsibilities. as im sitting here reminiscing, im listening to a year or two old playlist i made that exemplify all my thoughts and feelings at that time. now...these songs have almost no meaning to me, but it does bring back memories.

end of 2010

this is my 2nd post for 2010. i dont want to post anything personal on tumblr anymore. too many people read it and i just wanna type this out for my own benefit just so i can look back on this a few years later.
its been a while since we've talked. in fact, it's just awkward now. our awkward hellos and blank stares burns right through me. i didnt think after breaking up for so many years that this awkwardness would happen now. i know its going to take some time for us to be able to say hi to each other without feeling awkward. sometimes i wonder if he ever thinks of me. sure i miss him but its not the same anymore. i guess what really got me thinking was 500 days of summer.
& now im not starting to talk to other guys. well ive been doing it for quite some time now. but right now im stumped. im not sure whether or not he likes me. at first i was certain that he did, but after what he said really threw me off. im trying not to think too much of it but i cant really help it. so its been a several hours since he last texted me and im still here hoping that he would. maybe i just dont have enough things to do throughout the day. hes a busy guy what can i expect? and there it goes. i received another text and no it isnt from him, its from judy. its christmas again which means im broke again. sigh. and endless rain that keeps pouring down. im not sure how i feel atm but i wish that the rain would at least stop. ha. o man. this is depressing.

its been years since ive updated this blog. im doing it cuz i know not many people use blogger anymore and i just had to type this all out cuz i feel like it will make me feel a little better.
i hate that i cant talk to you. i hate you for saying what you said to me. i hate how you treated me and i hate how you lead me on for years. i hate how i wanna talk to you so badly but i cant do it. why? cuz i dont feel like i have the right to. i feel so embarrassed. i miss so much and youre constantly in my dreams and i cant do anything about it. im sitting here and i see your post i wanna comment on it so badly but i cant cuz you said you didnt wanna talk to me anymore. i dont feel happy. im happy that im not where i was but im not happy about how things worked out. the way i pictured it out was not like this. why why must it be this way? i wanna tell you so badly how much i miss you and how much i wanna talk to you and tell you my experiences but no you dont wanna talk to me becuz you simply dont fuckin care anymore. i wanna see you and tell you how great it is here and how terrible i miss being at home sometimes but i cant tell you. i cant tell people how much i really feel and why? they know how much of a douchebag you are and they dont want me to talk to you at all but i cant help myself for wanting to talk to you. its so goddamn difficult. i wanna see you and i just want you to be there. but i dont have the guts to do it. im too scared to know how much you really pushed me away and how much i really mean to you, nothing. I DONT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND I REALLY DONT. why does it have to be like this. why cant i just be fuckin happy. WHY. WHY WHY WHY. why is it always temporary. so now im going to get back to my homework and eventually after i am done with my next assignment i will have the urge to text you again and this whole thought process will run through my mind again.

i was only in school for a week and it already seems like forever. i guess that can also be a good thing since we're all gonna graduate and probably will never see each other again. i just wish i talked to some people more. becuz i have the worst lunch ever i cant talk to anyone i wanna talk to. friendships are somewhat fading and i dont like it. soo im trying bust my butt trynna keep in touch with certain people as much as i can but they dont seem to care whatsoever. thats the sad part. but idk people are just so ignorant nowadays its really annoying.
but overall i think i like my schedule just not my lunch. but luckily ms chiu decided to keep the same lunch next semester so i can have lunch with everyone else. idk how many times ive said that i miss how things use to be. it sadens me how nothing ever gets better. in fact it just gets worse. so today wouldve been 2 years. and in 4 days i will officially be single for a whole year. thats the sad part. he probably doesnt even remember what today is and every single time its the 12th of every month it bothers me. ive gotten over the fact that we're not together anymore but the difficult part is being his friend.
he doesnt seem to appreciate any of the things i do for him and thats really sad. he doesnt realize why everyone comes running back to me when i stop talking to them cuz some shit happens. he doesnt realize how good of a friend i am. he doesnt realize that once he finally completely loses me he'll regret it. so what am i suppose to do now? im tired of waiting for things to get better. but i cant or dont know what i can do to make things better.

everything does happen for a reason.
whats meant to be will find its way.

yesterday didnt turn out so bad.
after me and chloe got lunch we called up justin to go bowling.
and he said he'd be there in like idk 30 mins or so? so me and chloe went to best buy to play games and take pictures. haha i really love best buy. its so much fun.
then when we got there justin said joseph was gonna be there soon so we waited for him and decided to play pool instead. joseph showed up just in time when we started and me and chloe lost the first 2 rounds and won the last 2. then went to little caesers to buy some pizza and came home.

idk but i can honestly say that HE CANNOT TAKE A HINT. but yeah i dont know. stupid boys.

some people are very annoying.
so ignoring them only makes them talk more shit. HAH. woow. idiots.
its nice to know you spend so much time on me.

anyways.
soo everyday this week i went out. well except monday.
tuesday i went out with krystal went to puente to ask about the job but the manager wasnt there and we ended up running into her aunt. soo later we to her grandma's and ate dumplings her aunt made. ahah it was gooood.

wednesday went to play pool with chloe& her friend, justin, & joseph . we won both rounds. ahhah even though i did make any in. i dont care. i suck at it and i know already. then went to life and justin and joseph would be the ones that were super excited to play games. -_-. stayed there for a little until me and joseph left to the park to watch a movie and stuff. i kinda wish we ate before we went cuz man joseph was really hungry and i was eh. soo we ordered pizza and told them to drop it off at some random house we were standing in front of. so now im broke. -_- i spent more than 15 bucks. cuz joseph didnt have any cash on him. it was a good night. i finished a whole box of pizza and now im sitting here regretting it. ahha

thursday. went to liana's party like super late. her party started at 2 but we got there like at 6. haha she was mad. not at me but at andrew and adam. it was pretty stupid. cuz liana was mad at andrew and andrew was being pissy. idk everyone was just in a bad moood that day. but the ice cream cake we got her was delicious.

yesterday. i went to watch time traveler's wife. very good movie btw. krytal and her aunt was crying. ahha i didnt cry. i was surprised. uhh then ate at costco & dropped off her brother and went to her camp thingy that she worked at to visit and say hi. very awkward. the kids would just look at me -_- umm. then we went to cue and took a few pictures and went to her grandma's house. krystal was being mean. ahah. jerk. yeep then came home and did nothingg.

today? well i guess im going to get lunch with chloe and we'll see from there.
birthday in a weeek. sorta.

i thought i was done digging this huge hole for myself.
but seems to me im just making things worse.
i actually thought about it before taking action but i guess that isnt my thing.
a lot of things happened the past few days. well a lot more than i expected.
so now im lost. clueless. confused. and of course indecisive.
i dont know what to do. obviously doing nothing doesnt work. -_-

i feel like without electricity i lose contact with everyone. no internet. no phone. i hateee how i never charge my phone so it died on me last night. ugh.
and i couldnt go to practice this morning cuz we only had one car. the other car was parked in the garage and we couldnt open up the garage.
but no matter how much i complain about going to practice, i actually like running.
i guess ms garcia was right. exercising puts you in a better mood.

birthday in 2 weeks. lets see how things turn out.
& i like how i have plans like everyday haha. it keeps my mind off of things.

i didnt do much today. yesterday's race was hella tiring. i ran the 2 mile thingy and i was so slow. :[ o well first race. uhh idk ive been lazy lately and havent been going to practice.
summer is almost over and im kinda excited and sad at the same time. i just wanna get senior year over with and go to college. well sorta.

uhh idk i feel like things are getting better now. but at the same time ive never been so indecisive. i hate it. i honestly dont know what i want at this point. and i feel like im digging this huge hole for myself. sooner or later i wont be able to get out. and everything will be a big mess and im screwed at the end. &i will lose everything i once had.
i find it impossible for me to let go of my past and it bugs the shit outta mee.
im trying so hard but its not working. soo what do i do now?
cuz leaving it as it is and just going with the flow isnt working out apparently.
i dont know maaaaaaaaaaan.
everyone seems to be having problems and i try my best to help them the best i can. but i seem to be soo helpless. er i wish i help solve my own problems like i do with others. :[
at least senior year will be better. hopefully.

today was pretty good. uhh i didnt go to practice this morning cuz maan speed workout yesterday was death. i was to tired. i was on the phone with joseph till 1 30ish and i went to sleep and woke up at 1 pm this afternoon. im happy (:
thenn later on joseph came and picked me up and we went to plateforms and he bought some skate shoes and we stopped by taco bell and got some food. then we went to his house and watched the break up and just chilled. haha we watched a little bit of spideman 3. yeep. then we got hungry and ate at del taco. woot taco tuesday. hahah i was full. and it was hella cold there. then we went to ayala park and he was skating and i sat there and texted. haha it was kinda crowded. some people really suck at skating. well compared to joseph.
then he dropped me offf. and yeeep im tired already. race tomorrow. lame -_-

im hella hungry already and i ate around 8ish.
thats not good :[
uhhh today woke up late cuz i didnt go to practice. ate and left to longo lexus and saw andrew on the 71 highway. haha he stuck out like half his body outta the window to say hi to us. hahah wooow.
well we finally got there and me and bro hit the snack bar. haha
we got drinks cuz we didnt want cookies. and i had my retainers. i didnt feel like taking them off. we waited for about an hr or so. and we played omgpop on their computers. haha this other guy he was on his laptop playing omgpop. i kinda wished i took my laptop with me. :[
thenn came home. and stupid dog like pooped everywhere -_- . annoying little dog.
uhh then joseph came and picked me up and we went to drhs. and met up with chloe and justin. they took a while so joseph was skateboarding. and i sat there watching him. cuz i cant do anything.
when they finally came they were skating and long boarding for idk how long. then we went to go play pool. yeah i sucked. but i got lucky sometimes. haha
we won the first round and barely lost the 2nd one. it kinda sucked. but whatever.
thenn i was REALLY hungry and kept complaining. and we went to the mall to eat.
the mcdonalds guy was freakin weird. HAHA. ugly laugh.
joseph wanted a refill and it was so awkward. didnt even know what that guy was doing. geeeeez.
uhh we sat there and they were spinning the dime around. haha
then we finally left. yeep
thats itt.
joseph dropped me off and now im here. hungry again.

yesterday! me adam andrew and my bro went to liana's to have a potc marathon. it was a fail. i had to come home early. :[
buut it was fun. i wish i couldve swam though. it was HOT.

soo today i finally saw joseph again haha.
haha first it was just me chloe and joseph.
we went to the park. but chloe left early cuz she was going to jessica's house. so it was whatever.
we stayed at the park and did whatever. joe was skating. and we were just sitting there and watched him. uhh then dropped off chloe at her house. and me and joe went to get free juice it up. and he bought me tacos (: it was delicious.
then we went to target and sat there for idk how many hrs ahah we started to get tired. oo and we also rode bikes. haha i havent done that for so long :[
then we decided to go to barnes and noble. we just walked around looked at some books. haha joe was very interested in the sexual section of the book store. ahha dirty pervert. haha jk (:
uhh thenn he got hungry so we went to carl's jr and sat there for the rest of the night as he ate and we talked. it was nice.
uhh right before we left we decided to get an application at old navy. too bad it was closed. :[
haha yeahh thats it for todayy. :]
no plans for the weekend.
& too tired for practice.

went to disneyland yesterday with krystal.
omg traffic was bad going onto the 57. but we got there eventually. uh we went on like all the rides.
it was fun. uh took us FOREVER to find panda express. omg sucha piss off. haha i cannot find my way around disneyland. uhhh. went back to disneyland after we ate and went on splash mountain. omg we were soaked. it was VERY uncomfortable.
finally decided to leave around 1030ish. didnt get home till 12! wtf.
we got lost on the 5. and krystal calls justin and he didnt sound reliable at all. but we eventually go through it. thank goodness.
yeaaaah. im tired. didnt wake up for practice. fail. im tired. and idk if i wanna do anything today.

beachhhhh<3

first time in a long time that ive gonee! and im so happy that it worked out. even though it was only the 4 of us. haha
so ive been up since 6 in the morning and im hella tired
im so glad i dont have practice tomorrow. thank goodness.
so after i came home from practice my mom left me with all the money and i went to get an oil change for the car
then picked up my bro and went to andrew's house. load the stuff. went to winco and bought so much junk food. ahha
uhh we finally went to the beach which took a while. im glad we didnt get lost (:
o man it was fun. haha i was actually skinny enough to wear a bikini (:
the water was cold at first but then we got use to it. there was soo much seaweed. pissed me off. i couldnt even walk without getting one tangled on my feet. ugh. but when i finally decided to not go on anymore and change. the seaweed was gone :[
so i just wrote on the sand with my toes and took pictures. haha
i was so sad. my phone died :[ err. but its okay now.
thenn after the beach we ate at red robins and spent about 40 bucks there haha it was goood. :]
the guy was flirting with me. LMAO. lame
then we went to liana's and swam ahhaha it was fun (:
so now im here. and my hair feels gross. needa shower !

awwwww today was so good (:
jade came over around 1ish? idk then we ate played with the dogs and watched pirates of the caribbean
then chloe calls and tells me to go get pho with justin and i was like hmm is joseph going? and shes like o yeah he'll call him up so he did and he ended up going. finished up pirates and went to jade's house so she can change
met up with them and ate pho. hahah chloe and justin got their own table and me joe and jade got our own.
ate. chilled at the parking lot for a while and watched joe own those db kids. (:
uhh then went to h mart and me and jade bought monsters came back to the parking lot and played 10 fingers. (: i won of course. and jade. ahha we're good
uhh decided to go to the shoppes. and watched the water. OMG A SIBERIAN HUSKY<3
I LOVE IT. hahah
joe and justin gets wet. and joe wanted a hug. haha too bad i was playing stupid. :]
yeahh i have to say today was really goood.

haaaah today was goood. (:
didnt do much. i was planning to hang out with jade today. but things got cancelled the last min and jazmin took the car so jade couldnt come over.
so i went to a party thingy with chloe. beginning was ehh.
went to get boba and bought some doughnuts at food 4 less. then went to the party.
saw me cuzin and it was alright.
sat around didnt do much. then we played capture the flag. haha me and chloe went to get pizza and drinks while the game was going on and we lost. :[
o well. thenn chloe and some other people started to dance but then i had to go. haha
just when it was getting fun o well next time.
freakin dominick went but left before i got there. er

okaay tomorrow is friday but theres practice boooo :[
its at mt sac too. lamee! but andrew is gonna run with us :]
uhh havent done much this week. just went to practice. slept and ate. a lot.
haha i applied at tutti frutti today and there was this cute guy there working when i was turning in my application.
and when i was leaving adam was complaining how hot it was and i said im sorry im poor. and the guy turned and smiled. how embarassing. geez i didnt know i talked that loud :[
but each day is getitng hotter.
im sweating more every day during practice. ew its gross.
is it possible to develop asthma?
im scared.
i couldnt breathe when i was running today during the mile.
eczema is becoming asthma?!
i hope not
beach tuesday! i better go or else imma shank someone.

im soo glad i went to practice this morning.
i was running with jade today and damn i was getting tired.
errr but they did 200's today. and i guess imma be doing it too probably on thursday -_-
well at least im somewhat better than the newer kids. sweeet.
err i havent been so bored ever. ive been stuck at home for the longest time.
well it hasnt been that long. but it feel likes it.
i napped so often yesterday just cuz i have nothing to do.
hopefully later on tonight me andrew and liana will go to the shoppes and do NOTHING.
cuz im bored. i'd rather do nothing with someone else. hahah

err im hungry. i want pancakes now.