realizing why things are the way it is

i was on the phone with him last night as usual and idk i guess i pushed him away for so long, cuz he did the same to me, that it felt so good to finally be able to open up to him once again.
it was the first time in a long time that i actually broke down. & my life is like running that last 400 meter. im running out of oxygen and i have no more energy to keep running but i push myself to get to the finish line although the finish line doesnt seem to get any closer and all i wanna do is give up and start walking. my life is so complicated but isnt everyone else's? i always keep it to myself and put on a mask to let everyone know that sure im ok dont worry about me. i dont want others to worry about me like when i worry about them. its just something i dont want happening. hes right i should just take off my mask for one day and let everyone know how im really feeling. but whats the use? i HONESTLY dont think anyone cares. and there is no way anyone can help. saying "oo things will get better" NO IT WILL NOT. and "patience" DOESNT WORK EITHER. PRAYING DOESNT WORK. NOTHING WORKS. ive tried it all. all those 11:11 wishes, praying at night, and waiting for things to get better has yet to come. i feel like if i were to wait any longer i will die. im on the verge of dying. it kills me a little bit everyday. it sounds a bet emo. but its just what im feeling. im always in a bad mood and i try my best not to take it out on others. life sucks and thats the end.

i dont know i really dont know

im so frustrated. everyone is getting on my nerves. ughh imma shoot someone.
i likeee himmmm but he has a gf now
ughhh. timing is so bad it makes me mad. :[
i just wish things will get better.

knocked out

okkk soo this week was alright. nothing really. i really wasnt excited whatsoever for sadies. buuuut on thursday we had a track meet and i didnt come in last thank God. and this chick tried to outsprint me but nah i beat her (: umm. friday. we had a bio test and yeah super stressing. & then after school i took adam and veronica home. and i went to go pick up adam. then i went home got ready and went to krystal's house. and richard was there just doing whatever. and krystal was doing her hair for the longest time. ahha. then we finally left for knotts and go there super early but we were also one of those people that got in early so that was good. i had to say that in the beginning it pretty much SUCKED. but towards the end when we started to loosen up a bit it started to get fun. everyone was in a bad mood. at least i was and krystal got mad cuz no one wanted to dance with her. richard was being a weenie. and stephen kept leaving and coming back cuz of fang. but i didnt matter. i could careless. we mainly went on boomerang and supreme scream. xcellorator wasnt open so it was a bummer cuz im sure everyone wanted to go on that. uhh yeahh it got better towards the end.
yesterday [saturday] i took my SATs. o goshh i was so tired. i came home like around 12ish from knotts and i woke up at 630ish to shower and stuff. but yeah im super glad that im done with my SATs and now i gotta wait like a month for my results. after SATs me, bianca, adam & tu went to get pho and it was soo good. i was craving for some for the longest time. & i had a food baby. :[ i gained 3 lbs. aghhh. buuut it was good. then we walked around the shoppes and saw mr. marquez. ahah then paige and judy came outta nowhere. and i took everyone home and yeahh.
i freakin knocked out last night around 8ish. omg i was so tired. dang.

asdkljasdfklasdfj ONCE AGAIN!

today i was suppose to go to the shoppes and get pinkberry with krystal & take my brother to target to buy his crap. buuuuut nope. i waited for my mom to go to 99 ranch and stuff to buy her stuff and krystal was already checking out when we got there and she disappeared and i kept calling her but she didnt answer so i was like uh ok then. when she finally called back she was already home -_- so o well. i came home and pigged out and watched magic school bus <3 i miss that show. ahah uhhhh yeahhh. SATs saturday. track meet thursday & sadies friday. er. too much. buut yeaaah gonna chill after SATs i think? idk maybe. & last night outta nowhere chloe IMed me asking me to go to the movies with her so i did and we watched caroline. pretty good movie i must say. good effects. i liked it a lot. tim burton is amazing.

seriously?

it took me FOREVER to get my sadies ticket. & krystal lied and said that friday was the last day. -_- but everyone was getting it. and yeah i finally got mine and stephen's cuz he had practice. i didnt go to practice cuz my shin hurts & im was too lazy and cold yesterday.
right now i wanna go watch the watchmen. too bad andrew isnt picking up and krystal is at the doctor's getting her physical. dang man we have our first track meet this THURSDAY. so freakin close. imma die. im too slow :[ but its worth a try i suppose.
i fell asleep on tu last night but then i woke up and she was the one that ended up falling asleep on me. like she didnt even hear me anymore. ahhah so i just hung up. i was so bored and time went by so slow yesterday. i shouldve gone to practice. might as well. we just ran for 20 mins. which is so much easier than the speed workout. er. buuuut yeahhh imma take lucky to the vet at 3. hopefully i'll go to movies afterwards if everything works out fine. if not then i'll probably come home and be bored again. lame. but overall i think this week went by quick. & some people are getting on my nerves. and idk why.

im tired of it.

i want everything to be better already. although things are running smoothly somewhat i still want my old life back. everything is so frustrating. i want junior year to end already! i want summer to come. i miss summer. blahh. i complain too much. its like the only thing i can do. time is a pain in the butt. and i hate how EVERYTHING takes time. well i hope sadies will be fun. im sure it is.
& today was alright. boring. i think the most interesting class today was biology. we had to taste that nasty thingy today. i remember doing that freshmen year. gross. & we had "sex" riiight. but it was fun. and the period went by quick.
i feel so lazy and tired cuz of practice everyday. but i feel like im actually getting a workout for once. which is good. i cant believe i ran haha. & i think andrew was laughing at me -_- meanie.

you should get your facts straight before saying anything

ok soo today was alright. i really wasnt in the mood of running today. but i did anyways. so practice was alright. we ran for 40 mins. aha. umm. the assembly was alright actually. idk it was mostly hula club. but the dancers were pretty good. dang sadies is coming up quick. and i barely got my contract cuz stephen is cheap! & SATs is coming closer. er. whatever. but yeah things are running pretty smooooth. except i dont like the fact that people say things that arent even truee. its just bugs so much. but i dont like drama at all so whatever. i'll just ignore it for now.
my grades are good. gas is going down a little bit. saturday imma run. and track season is gonna start sooooon. i think? haha