end of 2010

this is my 2nd post for 2010. i dont want to post anything personal on tumblr anymore. too many people read it and i just wanna type this out for my own benefit just so i can look back on this a few years later.
its been a while since we've talked. in fact, it's just awkward now. our awkward hellos and blank stares burns right through me. i didnt think after breaking up for so many years that this awkwardness would happen now. i know its going to take some time for us to be able to say hi to each other without feeling awkward. sometimes i wonder if he ever thinks of me. sure i miss him but its not the same anymore. i guess what really got me thinking was 500 days of summer.
& now im not starting to talk to other guys. well ive been doing it for quite some time now. but right now im stumped. im not sure whether or not he likes me. at first i was certain that he did, but after what he said really threw me off. im trying not to think too much of it but i cant really help it. so its been a several hours since he last texted me and im still here hoping that he would. maybe i just dont have enough things to do throughout the day. hes a busy guy what can i expect? and there it goes. i received another text and no it isnt from him, its from judy. its christmas again which means im broke again. sigh. and endless rain that keeps pouring down. im not sure how i feel atm but i wish that the rain would at least stop. ha. o man. this is depressing.

its been years since ive updated this blog. im doing it cuz i know not many people use blogger anymore and i just had to type this all out cuz i feel like it will make me feel a little better.
i hate that i cant talk to you. i hate you for saying what you said to me. i hate how you treated me and i hate how you lead me on for years. i hate how i wanna talk to you so badly but i cant do it. why? cuz i dont feel like i have the right to. i feel so embarrassed. i miss so much and youre constantly in my dreams and i cant do anything about it. im sitting here and i see your post i wanna comment on it so badly but i cant cuz you said you didnt wanna talk to me anymore. i dont feel happy. im happy that im not where i was but im not happy about how things worked out. the way i pictured it out was not like this. why why must it be this way? i wanna tell you so badly how much i miss you and how much i wanna talk to you and tell you my experiences but no you dont wanna talk to me becuz you simply dont fuckin care anymore. i wanna see you and tell you how great it is here and how terrible i miss being at home sometimes but i cant tell you. i cant tell people how much i really feel and why? they know how much of a douchebag you are and they dont want me to talk to you at all but i cant help myself for wanting to talk to you. its so goddamn difficult. i wanna see you and i just want you to be there. but i dont have the guts to do it. im too scared to know how much you really pushed me away and how much i really mean to you, nothing. I DONT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND I REALLY DONT. why does it have to be like this. why cant i just be fuckin happy. WHY. WHY WHY WHY. why is it always temporary. so now im going to get back to my homework and eventually after i am done with my next assignment i will have the urge to text you again and this whole thought process will run through my mind again.