what's worse than being lonely?

the stage where you and a guy have somewhat established and have already confronted your feelings towards each other. but for some weird ass reason there are always obstacles in the way. sometimes you dont even know understand whats going on and why its there. after 2 years of unhappiness, i finally found someone who can finally make me happy. maybe i am overreacting but i think i deserve to be happy. i deserve to have an explanation as to why this is happening. i wanna know why hes acting the way he is and why hes hot and cold. WHY. i basically poured out my feelings for him and im just so frustrated. it shouldnt even be like this considering that i mean WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER. okay maybe i am overreacting just a little. but my point is, why am i so hurt right now? i havent felt this happy/sad for sucha long time. its a big giant roller coaster that shouldnt even exist right now. idk how else to express myself. i have butterflies right now cuz im scared to death. scared for him to tell me that he doesnt want this. scared to know that he doesnt feel the same way. scared to know why hes acting the way he is. IM SCARED.

first post for 2011.

its almost summer again. ive been walking through my memory lane for quite some time now. this summer is going to be different. i dont talk to half the people i talked to last summer and when im home it feels like nothing has changed. although deep down i know that everything has changed, i cant help but feel like everything is going to go back to how it use to be. as much as i wish to be able to relive those memories i know it would hurt a lot more than do me good.

last summer was amazing. i dont think words can really describe how much fun it was and how many people i met and grew close to. it still trips me out how fast time is going. i remember vividly judy and i sitting outside her house on the curb 11 o clock at night and talking about our problems. mainly boys of course. thats how we grew close. i also remember how excited we were to move in together in college and how much fun its going to be to be away from our parents. meeting new people, boys specifically. and now? first year of college is already coming to it's end in about 3 months. i think its crazy how things just kinda flew by and i still wonder where did all the time go. i cant help but feel scared. im scared to know whats going to happen in the future. im scared to grew up and have a million more responsibilities. as im sitting here reminiscing, im listening to a year or two old playlist i made that exemplify all my thoughts and feelings at that time. now...these songs have almost no meaning to me, but it does bring back memories.