i dont think ive ever been so confused for sucha long time.

this is probably worse than the friends but not really friends part. wait i lied thats how it is exactly.
its really complicated and i cant seem to take my mind off of it. i dont wanna confront him about it because we're supposedly on "break" im waiting for these next 3 weeks to pass by and hopefully we can start all over. afterall that is what he said will happen. idk i just miss him so much. i wanna talk to him/hug him/kiss him. yep yep i just really miss him. i feel like i havent seen him for over 2 weeks and lately we havent been talking much. agh im frustrated. i didnt think i'd feel this pain again. but its here again. i didnt think i'd be able to love again but here it goes again. sigh.

"we never get to pick who we fall in love with. it doesnt always happen the way you want it to happen."

what's worse than being lonely?

the stage where you and a guy have somewhat established and have already confronted your feelings towards each other. but for some weird ass reason there are always obstacles in the way. sometimes you dont even know understand whats going on and why its there. after 2 years of unhappiness, i finally found someone who can finally make me happy. maybe i am overreacting but i think i deserve to be happy. i deserve to have an explanation as to why this is happening. i wanna know why hes acting the way he is and why hes hot and cold. WHY. i basically poured out my feelings for him and im just so frustrated. it shouldnt even be like this considering that i mean WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER. okay maybe i am overreacting just a little. but my point is, why am i so hurt right now? i havent felt this happy/sad for sucha long time. its a big giant roller coaster that shouldnt even exist right now. idk how else to express myself. i have butterflies right now cuz im scared to death. scared for him to tell me that he doesnt want this. scared to know that he doesnt feel the same way. scared to know why hes acting the way he is. IM SCARED.

first post for 2011.

its almost summer again. ive been walking through my memory lane for quite some time now. this summer is going to be different. i dont talk to half the people i talked to last summer and when im home it feels like nothing has changed. although deep down i know that everything has changed, i cant help but feel like everything is going to go back to how it use to be. as much as i wish to be able to relive those memories i know it would hurt a lot more than do me good.

last summer was amazing. i dont think words can really describe how much fun it was and how many people i met and grew close to. it still trips me out how fast time is going. i remember vividly judy and i sitting outside her house on the curb 11 o clock at night and talking about our problems. mainly boys of course. thats how we grew close. i also remember how excited we were to move in together in college and how much fun its going to be to be away from our parents. meeting new people, boys specifically. and now? first year of college is already coming to it's end in about 3 months. i think its crazy how things just kinda flew by and i still wonder where did all the time go. i cant help but feel scared. im scared to know whats going to happen in the future. im scared to grew up and have a million more responsibilities. as im sitting here reminiscing, im listening to a year or two old playlist i made that exemplify all my thoughts and feelings at that time. now...these songs have almost no meaning to me, but it does bring back memories.

end of 2010

this is my 2nd post for 2010. i dont want to post anything personal on tumblr anymore. too many people read it and i just wanna type this out for my own benefit just so i can look back on this a few years later.
its been a while since we've talked. in fact, it's just awkward now. our awkward hellos and blank stares burns right through me. i didnt think after breaking up for so many years that this awkwardness would happen now. i know its going to take some time for us to be able to say hi to each other without feeling awkward. sometimes i wonder if he ever thinks of me. sure i miss him but its not the same anymore. i guess what really got me thinking was 500 days of summer.
& now im not starting to talk to other guys. well ive been doing it for quite some time now. but right now im stumped. im not sure whether or not he likes me. at first i was certain that he did, but after what he said really threw me off. im trying not to think too much of it but i cant really help it. so its been a several hours since he last texted me and im still here hoping that he would. maybe i just dont have enough things to do throughout the day. hes a busy guy what can i expect? and there it goes. i received another text and no it isnt from him, its from judy. its christmas again which means im broke again. sigh. and endless rain that keeps pouring down. im not sure how i feel atm but i wish that the rain would at least stop. ha. o man. this is depressing.

its been years since ive updated this blog. im doing it cuz i know not many people use blogger anymore and i just had to type this all out cuz i feel like it will make me feel a little better.
i hate that i cant talk to you. i hate you for saying what you said to me. i hate how you treated me and i hate how you lead me on for years. i hate how i wanna talk to you so badly but i cant do it. why? cuz i dont feel like i have the right to. i feel so embarrassed. i miss so much and youre constantly in my dreams and i cant do anything about it. im sitting here and i see your post i wanna comment on it so badly but i cant cuz you said you didnt wanna talk to me anymore. i dont feel happy. im happy that im not where i was but im not happy about how things worked out. the way i pictured it out was not like this. why why must it be this way? i wanna tell you so badly how much i miss you and how much i wanna talk to you and tell you my experiences but no you dont wanna talk to me becuz you simply dont fuckin care anymore. i wanna see you and tell you how great it is here and how terrible i miss being at home sometimes but i cant tell you. i cant tell people how much i really feel and why? they know how much of a douchebag you are and they dont want me to talk to you at all but i cant help myself for wanting to talk to you. its so goddamn difficult. i wanna see you and i just want you to be there. but i dont have the guts to do it. im too scared to know how much you really pushed me away and how much i really mean to you, nothing. I DONT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND I REALLY DONT. why does it have to be like this. why cant i just be fuckin happy. WHY. WHY WHY WHY. why is it always temporary. so now im going to get back to my homework and eventually after i am done with my next assignment i will have the urge to text you again and this whole thought process will run through my mind again.

i was only in school for a week and it already seems like forever. i guess that can also be a good thing since we're all gonna graduate and probably will never see each other again. i just wish i talked to some people more. becuz i have the worst lunch ever i cant talk to anyone i wanna talk to. friendships are somewhat fading and i dont like it. soo im trying bust my butt trynna keep in touch with certain people as much as i can but they dont seem to care whatsoever. thats the sad part. but idk people are just so ignorant nowadays its really annoying.
but overall i think i like my schedule just not my lunch. but luckily ms chiu decided to keep the same lunch next semester so i can have lunch with everyone else. idk how many times ive said that i miss how things use to be. it sadens me how nothing ever gets better. in fact it just gets worse. so today wouldve been 2 years. and in 4 days i will officially be single for a whole year. thats the sad part. he probably doesnt even remember what today is and every single time its the 12th of every month it bothers me. ive gotten over the fact that we're not together anymore but the difficult part is being his friend.
he doesnt seem to appreciate any of the things i do for him and thats really sad. he doesnt realize why everyone comes running back to me when i stop talking to them cuz some shit happens. he doesnt realize how good of a friend i am. he doesnt realize that once he finally completely loses me he'll regret it. so what am i suppose to do now? im tired of waiting for things to get better. but i cant or dont know what i can do to make things better.

everything does happen for a reason.
whats meant to be will find its way.