all it takes is a smile

well life has it ups and downs right? i have my ups and downs like all the time. idk how many times throughout the day. this morning i was pissed off at my grade. then all throughout lunch i was so disappointed. i hate it when you expect something but it comes out the complete opposite. it just makes me mad. i was so sure that imma get better grades but now i highly doubt it after knowing my score for my finals. i need to step up and start studying. im so glad its a new semester so it gives me a chance to get better grades. i guess my up for today was driving home with bianca. we stopped by subway and got something to eat and left. but there are also other little things that makes me sad. and it only happens when i have nothing better to do than lay in my bed thinking. i hate thinking at night it just makes me sad. its been so long now. almost like half a freakin year and im still completely over it and it just makes me mad and sad at the same time. like i feel like things are getting better but it isnt. i know he cares but he doesnt say so. and i feel like hes trynna avoid me but at the same time hes trying to talk to me more? i dont even knowww. like last night. omg its the first time in a long time that i cried. i hate crying. i dont even know why i cried. i just did. and its just annoying. but then today im completely fine. its only when its late at night and im not talking to anyone. i just lay there staring at my ceiling thinking about him. and then when victoria told me about her sister like i actually know what shes going through. its horrible. and it just reminded me of the pain that i went through. i thought that my feelings are gone but theyre not. theyre still there and i dont like it. i try so hard but its not getting me anywhere. i dont believe that if you try hard enough you will get it. no way. ive been trying so hard and its not working at all. and then i try talking to another guy and he just doesnt reply half the time so i dont even bother anymore. hes just so busy i suppose. everyone is busy nowadays. and now that i have first lunch it just makes the day soo much longer. i guess the only thing i look foward to now is just driving to school and seeing him. i just wanna give up. seriously. but someone once told me not to give up. so i guess i'll try my best not to. if theres a down there must be an up?