:[

i went to the hospital today and it was so sad.
everyone was crying and stuff. :[
ive never seen my aunts cry like that since my grandpa died which was like 8 years ago.
and his daughter cant even see him cuz of that stupid mother of hers.
agh. its so sad to even think about it.
but i got to see like a lot of my cuzins today and theyre freakin short.
i mean they make me look tall. ahhah crazy.
and yesterday irvin ended up coming over instead of me going over.
and it was pretty weird and funny at the same time. hes super perverted/weird/mean
and now im waiting for andrew to calll.
o man. horrible weekend. :[ it went by too quick.
& now i gotta start on homowork.

not right

its like every since he left me, everything went wrong. i need him. he needs me (:
i know he doess.
hes been stressing like a lot but yet he doesnt want me to help. i misss him.
and now my cuzin.. idk i hope he'll make it once more. but i have a feeling hes gone forever.
i really hope that isnt true.
even though we're not close, i still have that feeling that horrible feeling.
his daughter is the cutest thing ever. and now shes gonna be living life without a father.
shes 5 or 6 years old and dang. thats hard.
its been a rough morning. i hope it gets better through out the day.


ok so nothing got any better. andrew is like blah.
and my cuzin is almost gone. :[
i wanna see him. but idk if my mom will lemme go.
imma go to irvin's house later go and try to take my mind off of everything.
ordered pizza and im getting fat. my goodness. nothing is going right forreals man.

sigh

another week without him. the pain just stays there and doesnt fade. blah.
well its been a hectic week and im glad its finally over.
ap bio is freakin killing me. and im soo sure i bombed the essay portion but idk about the multiple choice. i think i might do ok? hopefully i need an A
& history is super easy. took my test and i havent done my essay yet.
blah. andrew is stressing and i dont like it. im trying to help even though it may not seem like it.
and that little freshman always gives me those "looks" blah. i miss him.
spanish test was easy. for once. i have a B+ now soo imma have like all a's and a D+ -_-
im not going out this weekend. i feel like i need to be home. idk i miss being at home. i love sleeping and i havent gotten much of that lately. andrew needs sleep also. :[

stupid bee

ok so today it was ok. this morning was pretty funny. i brought my ipod and andrew brought his and we were trying to see who can play louder music. of course i won cuz my earphones are so bomb. but yeah. then first period was hella boring. & i gotta do my cornell notes -_-
stupid essay thingy for ap bio tomorrow. im kinda scared & irvin is coming over later to help me study :]
then pre cal was easy. im like done with my hw.
english was funny. miss northrop told stephanie that this senior thinks shes cute and he likes her and she turned red. ahhaha it was pretty funny. i can see that miss northrop was enjoying it. hahah
spanish was ok. didnt do much. pretty easy.
cooking was lame. bianca wasnt there and stuff. soo yeah. then after school this stupid bee tried to attack me like 3 times. and i think it actually stung me on my back. cuz it itches and i can feel a little bump -_-
then andrew was being a jerk and decided to leave me for sectionals. but its ok (:
then right away jade came and ask me if we got back together and i told her nope
and she was like wth you guys were like holding hands. ahah i just smiled and said naw.
but yeah.
things are getting better.
a lot better i suppose. but yeeeeeeah. thats it for now.

supppp

well today was ok. not the best. but it was ok.
aye seems like its going to be a loooong year.
a very long year.
i miss him a lot. hahha.
but yeah what can i doo :[
& then bianca is going to be in 6th period soo imma be bored to DEATH.
ahah. gonna bake on friday.
wooot :]
gonna bake it for andrewwww <3 sorta. haha
krystal toooo i owe herrr.
and knotts scary farm sooon.
yeee. im hungry. blooop.
first period is the worst. puts me to sleep i hate it. i hate history in the morning.
2nd period. ap bio i was actually paying attention. idk im still confused lmao.
3rd. pre cal i hate that class. but she likes me so its ok (:
4th is my fav class. i love miss northrop shes soo coool (: she reminds me of mrs marquez
5th spanish i felt retarded. hahah it was aitee though
6th period was super easy. finished super early. had a deep conversation with bianca. cuz i can do that.

after school. saw andrew. went home. drove. yep. i drove 80 mph on the freeway (:
& i did bad on my self quiz. once again. boo.
& now im waiting for some calls to keep me company. wooop.

o finally

dang. idk i feeeel good.
andrew came over to help me with bio and surprisingly i got some of it. ahha sorta.
things just got a lot better. woot. time to moveeee on.
i can do it noww
well i made a promise soo yeeeeeeah.
idk. school sucked. i was pissed off at some stuff.
and i just realized i got lots of hw to do right now. blah.
but i got boba (: HEEHEEE lmao. [insider]
and now im waiting for a call? sorta hahah.
but it got a lot better thats fersure.

believe me

why cant he fucken believe meeee.
i know its there but hes so hard headed to admit it.
i know it is. i can feeel it and everyone else can see it.
why does he want me to move on. i already told him i cant.
i tried so fucken hard but it hasnt gotten me anywhere.
i cant do it.
ive tired soo hard. i dont know what to doo anymore.
this pain is just AGH. unbearable. just wanna fuckin aghh.

wow.

its amazing to think back to what we had a year ago. so much have changed & now im sitting here reminiscing all those times we've spent together. i cant say that i completely got over you and i know its going to take time. im taking baby steps hoping that someday i wouldnt need to hurt myself thinking about what you said and realizing that it was all a lie.

idk why we still act like we're together. maybe its just a habit. or a routine that we have since its been a whole year now.
you still walk me half way to class and hug me when you see me. i really dont know what i should do.
im trying my best to move on. i cant say im there but i think im close.
it hurts to know that you dont feel the same way but at the same time im relieved that its finally over. i dont need to deal with all those issues where it would be on my mind day and night trying to fix it.
but if i say that i dont miss what we had that would be a lie.
i do miss it. i really do but hey what can i do about it? nothing really.
things come and go. i just teaches me to be smarter next time.
it makes me not wanna be in another relationship again. i just cant imagine how it would be. i really dont want to either.
im not use to this but its getting there.

i REALLY dont know.

i know that every is concern about whats going on with me and stuff.
im glad that the true friends are there for me. i dont mean to make it seem like i really dont appreciate that fact that you actually take the time to try to get me to open up to you and stuff. but i really cant.
i honestly dont know what i want at the moment.
i miss andrew a lot and its very hard to get over him. im taking little baby steps. and if you really cant tell i was much better today. this whole week have been horrible for me. everything i didnt want to happen already happened and i cant do anything about it but to look forward and thats what im trying to do. its difficult to try to be optimistic in a situation like this.
part of me really wants to get back together with him but another half is like idk whats the point? he doesnt even see or feel the same way about me anymore so why bother. but at the same time i do feel like theres something still there.
i can tell he PROBABLY feels the same way. idk. i can actually see why he always told me he didnt know what he wanted either.
its really tough. no lie. i cant imagine what i would be doing to my other friends if they were put in a situation like this. its very confusing and idk.
i want this to be over with. i want everything to go back to normal like how it use to be.
it just hurts me to know that everything that ever happened between us just went down the drain.
i mean its a whole freakin year. a year isnt short either. its just ive been so use to how things were with him. cuz believe it or not even when i do seem like i stress a lot about him, he actually makes everything a lot easier.
like now i feel lost? sorta. not really. i cant help but think that wow this is how its going to be now. i cant adapt that fast to the changes that already happened.
its the 2nd day of the break up and idk we act as if we're still together.
he somewhat walks to me class and hugs me. and idk. everything seems like how it use to be except he doesnt call me anymore.
sometimes i kinda wish there was a restart button. but too bad theres not such thing.
i still love andrew and thats a fact.
i dont care what people think of him but if you got to know him like i did then MAYBE you'll understand.
im trying my best here. and i really dont know what to do anymore but just wait and just go with the flow & hope for the best.

shit

too bad today i felt like shit. right when i got to school i saw him and i tried so hard to not look at him.
but i knew that paul saw me.
when he sat next to me i couldnt help but cry. idk what came over me.
i didnt want to cry. I HATE CRYING but it just all came out.
he didnt do much just said jacky.. are you ok..? and he put his hand on my back and started rubbing it. it was nice but idk. i feeeel like SHIT all fckin day.
its a horrible feeling. i hate it i hate i HATE IT. ! i want it to all go away.
he doesnt seem like he has ANY problem with it at all whatsoever. which made me feel even worse. cuz now im the reason why he was unhappy in the first place.
FUCK IT.

this is the end

so today wasnt that great of a day. we finally broke up. we've been lagging it for like a couple weeks. maybe even a month. i mean part of me is kinda sad about it but at the same time im really relieved.
its hard to believe that we could throw away a year just like nothing. after all those promises that we made each other.
its very hard to believe. i cant believe it myself.
but what has to be done is already done. its going to take some time getting use to it but im sure that everything will go back to normal soon. i dont wanna lose him as a friend. cuz hes a very good friend. and i will consider him as a best friend. well to me at least.
love its difficult. i really dont know it was real love or not maybe just something else. hah. but yeeah.
idk.

once again.

went to the ortho today and it was boring. haha. dang. today is the moon cake festival thingy with all those NASTY moon cakes. boo.
well turns out that i might get my braces off early (:
i might get them off in like 3 months at least. haha
well i can finally seeeee the light. dang. it feels like i havent had braces for that long actually. only like a year? not that bad.

i finished homework early today. i read the book but didnt comprehend anything. hah.
i was super tired & grumpy sorta. idk i feel like im pmsing already. dang. but yeah finally got my sleep & i feeeel great.

house bunny was good. haha i liked it a lot. it was very fun yesterday. eh nothing really special happened.
school tomorrow & yeaaaahhh.

one year (:

soo today is our one year anniversary amazing isnt it?
ahahah
dang good times. cant believe we're still together after all that. :D haha its all good. it makes our relationship even stronger. woot
well today was ok. first period dang history we took forever just doing the OA questions. we we're talking about authority and stuff. idk the teacher is so wack. he has the ac on & the fan! my gosh im like freezing in there.
ap bio was ok. nothing special. just took notes.
3rd period pre cal AGH. i hate the teacher but at the same time i feel very bad for her. she has like joint problems and have to take soo many freakin pills every day. :[ im actually learning stuff now. FINALLY
4th period english. im sure i did ok on that vocab quiz we had today. we had to peer edit and i read irvin's cuz he wanted me to. and like lay corrected it before i did & she made the essay even worse? -_- wow. horrible grammar. not saying that mine is any better. hahah but yeah. idk when i read his essay. i wasnt surprised at all. it was about his familia.

lunch was ok. andrew wasnt there :[ he had this band thingy. blah. but its ok i guess. i didnt get to see him a lot after school either. :[ soo sad

5th period was lame. i did pretty bad on my spanish quiz. 6th period is boring and fun at the same time. me and bianca talk about the stupidest things ever. ahhaha
yep nothing interesting.
just trying to kill time while i wait for andrew's calll! :]
im going to chloe's church thingy tonight along with krystal & jessica.
it should be fun. it was pretty chill last week.
tomorrow imma go watch house bunny. and ANDREW MIGHT GO! <3
haha imma FINALLY use those free movie tickets.
they better work too or else imma shank someone.
YES.

& another thought. if someone said they loved someone else, isnt that almost like cheating? idk i think soo.
well im glad everything is ok right now except my grades. hah gotta work on that. :]

bah

today wasnt the best school day. i called andrew this morning and after we talked for like 5 mins i was very happy & i couldnt wait to go to school. when i got there it wasnt that bad. everything was ok. he hasnt held me like that since.. idk.. for a while. but it felt right. it felt good.
and everything after that was just ugh. the more i thought about what happened last night the more depressed/angry i was. more depressed than angry. i was so close to crying so many times today but i held it in hoping that no one will notice.
but idk everyone knew something was wrong but i didnt say anything.
so passing to 4th period i see andrew. i saw him and i almost cried. but before that i just stood there and wait for him to come to me. he did it was very nice and i just hugged him and he asked me whats wrong i just said oo nothing.. and he said noo really whats wrong? and he looked me in eyes and asked me again i looked away cuz i didnt wanna start crying. but he knew something was up. and i just walked to class.
i walked into class and the first thing taylor ask me is. jacky are you ok? and i said yeah im fine..
but throughout the period i couldnt pay attention. i couldnt pay attention to anything today. idk. but.. when lunch came. it was very quiet.
well i was at least. andrew went to go get lunch & didnt come back for the longest time and when he did come back. he looked at me and he looked very concern but he would mouth the words "are you ok?" and i wouldnt say anything.
jade asked me are you gonna get food and i said noo im not hungry. and shes like why arent you hungry? are you ok? youre sad arent you? and i said no.. and she said lemme see your ring so i showed her and shes like hm.. idk what youre sad. kayleen asked me the same question and wanted me to tell her. but i didnt say a word
the bell rung and andrew was walking with me and he put his arms around me and asked me whats wrong jackyy. i said nothing.. and he said are you sure?
and when he wanted to hug i would just push him away. he looked kinda sad/worried. he kept holding onto my arm and not letting me out of his sight and when we finally got where we usually hug. he told me please go to class. and asked me if i was going to give him a hug.
and i said well do you want a hug? and so he hugged me real tight. and i said how can you say you dont love me when i can feel it? and hes like what? and i said nothing and walked to class.
so when i got to class i text him the same thing i said. and he didnt say anything. well i wasnt surprised anyways cuz its during school. and he has english. its kinda hard to text.
6th period made me feel a lot better. just messing around and talking to bianca made me forget a little about it.
after school came and i saw him. and when we hugged idk. it just made our hugs all that special again. it was very nice. i didnt wanna let go but he had to since he had sectionals.
its hard to believe what he said last night when all his actions point to one thing. and that thing is that he really does love me just as much as he use to.

i guess you can say i was over reacting. idk. school is so UGH. piss off.

bad timing.

everything is blah right now. nothing is going right.
so many freakin problems. just when i thought that everything was going to be alright this happened.
got the rings today. they look super good. & idk. andrew seem very tired & wasnt very talkative.
i felt horrible & i didnt know what to do. so when i saw him smile afterschool idk. i was very happy.
his hugs are amazing and this kid is like stalking us and telling his brother about everything. maaaaaaan. im super scared.
i really dont know whats going to happen. this friday is our one year. so many problems are coming our way & im hoping that we're ready for it.
idk how i can get him to open up to me and tell me how hes feeling. i try really hard. i mean i think i get enough. but idk. i feel horrible. i just wish i can do something to help him feel better.
last night's conversation was very empty and quiet. i felt like everything just went away for a second. until i saw him at school. i showed him the ring and he was just eh about it.
maaaan. im trying really hard to make this work. & i know hes trying also. well at least im hoping. everything was so great last year & all of a sudden. summer came and killed us.
but i know we'll make it. i know we will. as long as he loves me & i love him.
timing is just very bad right now. i hope it gets better...

you fail

so basically im now failing pre cal. i got an F on my first assignment. stupid idiot. i hate that stupid teacher. she should die.
today was an ok day. wasnt that bad.
im like ahead in ap bio. haha. ive done all my reading and stuff. i feel proud. no more procrastinating for me.
but i really miss sophomore year it was so easy. freshmen year was even easier man.
bleh.
soo i might start driving to school by myself depending how well i park cuz i suck at it now.
aww andrew wore jeans today! <3. heeehee.
yep. and imma get tu to wear skinny jeans.
went to the mall yesterday all day for like 6 hrs.
i was very close to mara. aw i miss her. i havent seen her for sucha long time. :[
but yeah. got a new pair of jeans. SKINNY jeans. idk theyre so comfortable hahah.
bleh. school is very time consuming.
got boba today :] wooot.

blah.

so today didnt do much. chloe was suppose to come over but ended up going to carol's. ahha its all good.

spent all day finishing up my homework cuz i dont wanna procrastinate and do it tomorrow.
i went with chloe to her "church" thingy. it was pretty chill. everyone was very nice and welcome me and stuff.
we played 'ball' ahahha funny stuff. i like how when i say my name is jacky chan people dont believe me. her pastor mark said that hes going to get me out the next time i go over there and play ball with them again. ahah funny stuff.

we've only been in school for a freakin week but it feels like a month already. dang.
i got my shot today for hpv. this is like my 3rd shot ouch. & i got another blood test. dang man. sucks. hurts like a alsdjflasdjf.

gonna go window shopping tomorrow. woo how fun. i guess. hahah. im tired. & i havent had enough sleep for like a whole week already. IM DYING. homework is killing me also. i hate biology. i suck at it. ahhahah. dang.
o well im sure i can do it (:

yaaaaay chloe (:

soo today wasnt that bad actually. drove to school all that good stuff.
i went with chloe afterschool to the dmv to take her written test.
sitting there was horrible. kinda reminded me of how nervous i was when i was waiting in line to take the test. -_-
but its ok cuz she PASSED! YAAAY (: & then ashley was there to take her written test also. and she passed! :]

then her mom treated us for some yummy ice cream from rite aid. :]
then her mom invited me for dinner. of course i was trying to be polite and said naw its ok. but yeah i went anyways.
chloe came over and we chilled for a bit. did some homework and yeah. pretty chill day.

ahahha after we were done with dinner. this little kid ran by and just burped outta nowhere. ahhaha funny stuff. freakin azns.

hm.. other than that. i didnt wanna wake up today seriously. but eh. tomorrow is finally friday. this first week of school went by soo slowly. idk. haha im actually feeling confident about biology now since i took my first quiz and missed 4. but like i forgot to add the class so i took it again and missed 1 :]
dang. super good. ahhaha. PWNAGE! AHAH

yep. woot cant wait till the weekend. im hella tired.

eh..

ok today was ok. i guess. but danng cooking class is like a freakin oven! i seriously think we're the ones getting baked and not the food. its like 2038490238490238028 degrees in there!
i didnt want to go to school today. i hate waking up early! errr.

ok. so i drove to school today. not that bad. except today when i went to target i CANNOT park. i suck at it now. eye dee kay. stupid car.

soo yeah nothing special about today. went to winco. got some DR PEPPER! WOOOT. & pizza. and um. yeah.
soo friday we're planning to go that "bridge" that is supposedly haunted and stuff.

bianca said its in chino. it use to be a bridge there [now its broken] and a bus of little kids went across it and the bridge collapsed and killed them. soo now they say that when you park your car there they'll help you push it outta the way. but you gotta put sand or whatever to see the hand prints to prove that theyre pushing you.
chloe thinks its the "magnet" well idk. pretty creepy to think about it.

lunch today. ok soo yesterday i sat with swiper and paige, irena & judy. but today julie was sitting with them. AWKWARD. soo i just left and sat with lay -_-
idk she honestly have problems with me for no apparent reason. i seriously believe that. & then leslie is in my 6th period which is weird also.
idk all these girls that like irvin. soo creepy. its almost like saying how can all these girls like sean pawluk? idk so freakin weird. idk.

i hardly saw andrew today. which sucks so much butt. my precal teacher is so dumb. she doesnt know how to graph seriously. how can she become a precal teacher if she doesnt even get her coordinates right. seriously. eh idk.

junior year sucks already

ok so far junior freakin sucks. homework on the first day already UGH. seriously.
i DONT have any classes with andrew but i have classes with that stupid idiot jiggle jiggle agh.
i have the worse pre cal teacher ever seriously. the whole time she was drawing maps bout her stupid country she was from. WTH we're in math not history.

irvin is in my english class. which is freakin AWKWARD. cuz we hardly talk and then all of sudden we started talking again? eh

i think imma fail ap bio seriously. idk what imma dooooo. i hate reading. agh.

lunch is freakin crowded too! barely got a table. had to sit with swiper.

i hope this year is going to be gooood. or else.